Here in Australia, we recently celebrated Mother’s Day. As a childfree person, I found myself experiencing a host of feelings and emotions around the day. Mother's Day can be a complex and incredibly challenging occasion, evoking a whirlwind of conflicting feelings which can bubble to the surface. It's important to acknowledge and address these emotions with empathy and understanding.
Whether we have chosen not to have children, or we long for a child we may feel a sense of loss or longing on this day. We may have lost our mothers. While others may have complex relationships with our own mothers, recognizing that they did their best but might not have been the nurturing figures we needed. And sadly, there are those whose mothers failed to provide the love and safety we deserved, leaving us with painful memories of abuse. Whatever category we find ourselves in, Mother's Day often doesn't align with the idealized image portrayed by adverts, greeting card companies and society. There's an underlying social expectation that all mothers are inherently loving and wonderful, but the reality is far more complex and nuanced.
This is why I was taken aback when I encountered two separate instances of strangers wishing me a ‘Happy Mother’s Day’. I can understand that they may have wanted to acknowledge those of us working on Mother’s Day, but why do strangers assume it’s acceptable to comment on my motherhood status? Just because I am a woman of a certain age does not automatically mean I am a mother. They do not know me, or my story. The truth is, there are countless reasons why someone may not be a mother. I may have chosen a child-free lifestyle, opting to focus on other aspects of my life that bring me fulfilment. Or perhaps I have experienced the heartbreak of losing a child, a pain that lingers long after Mother's Day has come and gone. Infertility struggles could also be a part of my journey, making the day a painful reminder of unfulfilled dreams. And let's not forget that some individuals simply don't want to have children and that choice should be respected without judgment or assumptions. I wonder if this happens to men on Father’s Day. I somehow think not. It's odd and, quite frankly, intrusive for someone who doesn't know my story to assume and vocalize something as personal as my decision to have or not have children.
It's essential to clarify that being childfree, childless, or having a strained relationship with our mothers doesn't mean we are against celebrating motherhood. We recognize and appreciate the sacrifices mothers make for their children, and we wholeheartedly believe they deserve recognition and appreciation. Motherhood, like any other facet of life, is multifaceted. It encompasses joy and fulfilment but also involves sacrifices, challenges, and moments of doubt. It's vital to acknowledge that not every mother-child relationship is idyllic. Some of us have strained connections with our own mothers, whether due to past experiences, differing values, or other factors. The complexities of these relationships can be magnified on Mother's Day, leaving us with mixed emotions and a yearning for understanding.
For those of us who are child-free, Mother's Day can be a reminder of the decisions we've made and the societal expectations we may face. We may encounter well-intentioned friends or family members who ask probing questions or make thoughtless remarks. It can be challenging to navigate these situations without feeling judged or misunderstood.
Similarly, for those who are childless due to circumstances beyond their control, Mother's Day can stir up feelings of grief, loss, and longing. Society often assumes that every woman desires to be a mother, but the truth is that motherhood is a deeply personal and complex choice. Some individuals may have faced fertility issues, experienced miscarriages, or undergone medical treatments without success. Mother's Day can serve as a painful reminder of these challenges.
So, how do we navigate these conflicting emotions and societal expectations surrounding Mother's Day? Here are a few suggestions:
Validate your feelings: It's essential to recognize and acknowledge your own emotions. Whether you feel contentment, sadness, or frustration, your feelings are valid. Allow yourself the space to process and accept your emotions without judgment.
Practice self-care: Take care of yourself during this time. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment. Whether it's spending time in nature, reading a book, or pursuing a hobby, prioritize your well-being and give yourself the love and attention you deserve.
Connect with others: Seek out a community of like-minded individuals who understand your perspective. Whether it's through online forums, support groups, or social events, connecting with others who share similar experiences can provide comfort, understanding, and a sense of belonging.
Communicate your needs: If you find yourself in situations where people make assumptions or ask intrusive questions, don't be afraid to assert your boundaries. You can politely redirect the conversation or simply state that you'd prefer not to discuss personal matters. Remember, you don't owe anyone an explanation for your choices or circumstances.
Redefine Mother's Day for yourself: Take this opportunity to redefine what Mother's Day means to you. It doesn't have to be solely about biological motherhood. It can be a day to honour the nurturing and caring qualities within yourself or to appreciate the influential women in your life who have supported and guided you.
Ultimately, Mother's Day is a complex and multifaceted occasion. It can bring forth a range of emotions for those of us who are childfree, childless, have strained relationships with our mothers or are mothers. It's important to approach this day with empathy, both towards ourselves and others. Take the time to reflect on your own journey, honour the choices you've made, and find solace in the support of others who understand. Your story is unique, and it's valid. You deserve to be seen and heard, regardless of whether or not you are a mother.
Let's strive for a society that recognizes and celebrates the diverse experiences and choices of individuals. May we foster understanding, kindness, and inclusivity, not just on Mother's Day but every day. And most importantly, let's remember that our worth as individuals extends far beyond our roles as mothers or non-mothers. We are complete, valuable human beings deserving of love, understanding, and acceptance.
A really thought provoking blog, thanks Julie. Love the suggestions too.