Are You Living a Life for Others or for Yourself?
Recently, I read one of Stephanie Power’s weekly What’s New and Good emails, and boy, did she give me something to ponder. Stephanie spoke about how her co-dependency and people-pleasing have been forms of self-abandonment, keeping her in a prison of her own making all her life. Her words struck a chord with me and made me wonder: how can we live a life for ourselves when we’re so focused on prioritising others’ needs? By being malleable and shape-shifting into what others want us to be, we never truly find out who we are or what we want. If this sounds like you, you’re not alone.
How People-Pleasing Starts: A Lifetime of Self-Abandonment
When we are young, many of us—especially girls—are taught to put others’ needs above our own. We’re told to be ‘good girls,’ to do as we’re told, and to accommodate what others want. This can instill a pattern of prioritising others’ feelings and needs over our own, a habit that often carries into adulthood.
For some, it may have started with walking on eggshells to appease a parent and maintain peace at home. We might have witnessed our mothers or grandmothers consistently putting everyone else’s needs first, time and time again, abandoning their own in the process. And even when we vowed we’d never do the same, we often find ourselves following that same path—contorting ourselves into pretzels to make others comfortable, avoid conflict, and appear ‘easy-going.’
All this effort is often driven by a desire to avoid the uncomfortable emotions we were never taught to sit with and process. After all, we’ve been told that ‘good girls’ keep the peace. But the truth is, many of us were never shown how to navigate conflict—either with others or within ourselves. I certainly wasn’t.
The Hidden Costs of Being ‘Easy-Going’
Over time, it can feel rewarding to be the ‘easy-going’ one who avoids conflict and goes along with the group. But as others move forward in their lives, making choices that align with their values, we people-pleasers may find ourselves unsure of what truly makes us happy—or how we ended up feeling stuck.
This tendency to avoid discomfort can keep us in jobs we dislike or hold us back from reaching our full potential, as taking bold steps might ‘rock the boat.’ Yet as we grow older, we might begin to wonder: is people-pleasing not only helping us avoid guilt and other uncomfortable feelings but also fueling anxiety and a deeper sense of disconnection from our own desires—causing more pain in the long run?
Rediscovering Yourself Beyond the Fear of Conflict
Have you ever looked at others and wondered how they seem to know and understand themselves so well? Have you felt a lingering struggle with your sense of identity because you’ve been so focused on being liked? If so, you’re not alone.
Constantly worrying about how others perceive you, striving to be liked, and reshaping yourself to fit what you think others expect can be exhausting. It leaves little room to explore your own wants and needs. When so much energy is spent worrying about what others think, there’s hardly any space left to discover what truly makes you happy.
When we learn to prioritise our own needs, set clear boundaries, and confidently say no to things that don’t serve us, we create space to say yes to opportunities and experiences that truly align with who we are—bringing us a greater sense of peace and fulfilment.
Take the First Step Toward a Life You Love
If this resonates with you and you’ve found that your people-pleasing tendencies keep you from enjoying your life, knowing what you want, or connecting with your community, there’s hope. It is possible to tolerate those uncomfortable feelings, set boundaries, and prioritise your own needs without guilt.
Head to my therapy page to see how we can work together to cultivate the skills to embrace who you are, set boundaries with compassion, and build a life that feels fulfilling and authentic to you. It’s never too late to put yourself first and rediscover the joy of living on your own terms.
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